A Silent Conversation

Saturday, May 29

part 2

ok ok.. time to continue my story. (last night i was pissed. more like sad-pissed. today im not! so observe the difference in tone).
hmmm.. where was i? oh.. god made other plans. yea. erm.. i remember it was the september holidays in sec 1.. then he called me... ok.. let's skip all those awkward moments ya.. anyways, even back then in sec 1, i was quite smart ah.. clever actuali.. no no.. more like... intellectual... ahaks.. yea rite!! i remember telling him once.. wudn it be weird if we suddenly became steady? (haha.. those kental days when we used to call it going steady.. ahaks! ridiculous!) anyways, we went from acquaintance to (say it with me now) "steady" straight away. haha. that was stupid mistake number 1. anyway, i guess because of my strong hold on my religion, i was pretty conservative. so to cut the long story short, talib and i never reali did the couple2 things like hold hands, lean on each other etc etc.. haha.. actuali it wasn reali about religion lah.. more like... my personal take on Public Display of Affection. u see, i think its totally redundant n an eye sore!!! anyways, i suspect rite.. talib figured that i was playing him.. because i refused to perform such lewd acts.. ahaks.. lewd.. n.. of course tt led to the whole deterioration of our, quote-unquote "relationshit" .
hmm.. we got together on 14/11/98... i tink.. or was it 19th? aaah.. cant remember.. i tink i wrote it in my diary (wat? A'in has a diary? yea yea....... tell anione n i'll open up a can of whoop-ass on u ;p)but then ah.. ok lah.. the point is, we broke up in feb. e next year. or was it march? uuhmm... nvm. i.... sorta dumped him... n i honestly forgot y... guess it was because i was irritated becoz he is very posessive. n i dun like ppl to hold on to me. reminds me of my mom. ya.. there was also that ego clash lah.. haha.. clash of the titans.
erm... i tink at that time, i realised that this was probably the one person who knew a lot about me. that's y after the big break up, i asked him to be my friend. stupid mistake number 2.
anyways, remember i told u tt i always thot he was quite a loner? u noe y? its because he kinda fell out with the other malay ppl in his batch. yea. my dear seniors. haha.. actuali, i tink it's becoz they hated his guts. ok.. i admit e girls were a little bitchy (minus raudhah.. who's reali nice), but i got a feeling tt some of the girls liked him. i wont mention names.. but.. i tink im rite. ok.. he didn hate them any less tho.. of course this reli didn matter.but the thing was, i was close to my seniors n it kinda affected my friendship with him.. u know.. its reali difficult to like like n hate someone at the same time.
we spent many awkward moments between my sec 2 til e end of my sec 3 year. of coz after tt he graduated. along with the rest of my seniors. all this while we were still chatting on the phone. my dad freaked at me once.. coz he thot i had a boyfriend.. err.. my dad a bit lagging hor.. haha.. tt was e one time i saw him so angry. but i tink he shud know tt im not those type of girls who go sleeping around with everybody. i think my dad didn realise tt til like.. when i went to jc. n when i started telling him how i wanted to be a player n break every guys' heart. revenge is sweet.. (wat revenge? heh. u haven't come to the end of the story yet)
anyhow, all this time talib was telling me about all these girls he was going out with. Everytime tt happens, he would call me up and go "Hello A'in! guess wat? i got a new girl!" how do u tink i felt? There was Marina, Nadia, err.. n.. got some more lah.. but forgot who.. heck. i even helped him to break up with Nadia. haha. tt was a funny conversation. tt poor nadia girl.
Somehow, i couldn help but feel that he was trying to make me feel jealous. y? i dunno.. but.. i wasnt jealous. i love him man.. i reali do.. but i know we were never going to work out. Too many hurtful words have been exchanged throughout the years.. we could never be the same. i knew he was trying to make me jealous. so wat did i do? made HIM jealous. stupid mistake number 3. i guess i was pretty good at it.. n somehow, he got bitter.. then he met fadhillah. the girl who like first kissed him or sthg? he told me abt it. how do u tink i felt? it was as if he was trying to rub it in my face.. like "hey take! see! who ask u to dump me?!" sigh.. seriously.. until now i still feel that he holds a special place in my heart. probably because of how much he affected my life. i was missing him the last few weeks.. it's been like a year since we saw each other. now dont get me wrong. i miss him like u miss ur close friend thing. i harbour no like.. "dat feeling" for him.. so wat i did was, i went to his blog. i tagged this on the taggie.

ain: slush. i remembered sthg today.
salvaged some of those... umm.. memories.
let's go out some time. talk til we drop.

slush was his nickname for me. i saw e word in e dictionary tt day n was suddenly reminded.hence the spontaneity of the post. anyway, he didn reply.. but his gf did. somehow, i tink she thot i was flirting with him.. err.. rite. look wat she wrote.. haha.. a bit funni ah..

nina: eh ain. what makes you think
he wants to see you huh? sooo thick
skinned. havent u heard? he hates indians.
part indians. whatever. all the same.

haha.. ok.. a bit ouch also.. it's so sad to see such a pretty lady use the type of language she does. ok.. i admit i do say my fair share of vulgarities sometimes.. but not all the time... sigh... wat a waste of beauty.. erm.. so yesterday night, i asked him if we shud stop being friends. i was tired of being his friend without him being mine. here's e conversation.

Session Start: Saturday, May 29, 2004
Participants:
| ...st mon ami.. il est mon amour... ] (black_azure@hotmail.com) |
| Ant|mArX (antimarx@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[12:06:43 AM] Legally 18!!: yo
[12:06:51 AM] Ant|mArX: hi
[12:06:54 AM] Legally 18!!: shall we stop becoming frens?
[12:06:56 AM] Ant|mArX: happy birthday
[12:06:58 AM] Ant|mArX: its 29 now
[12:07:05 AM] Ant|mArX: im 4mins late.
[12:07:05 AM] Legally 18!!: erm
[12:07:14 AM] Legally 18!!: just ans my qn
[12:07:42 AM] Ant|mArX: probably.
[12:07:51 AM] Legally 18!!: u sure?
[12:07:55 AM] Legally 18!!: confirm?
[12:08:13 AM] Ant|mArX: i dunno la ok
[12:08:27 AM] Ant|mArX: fuck CANT U PPL JUST STOP APPLYIN PRESSURE
HERE FOR ONCE
[12:08:33 AM] Ant|mArX: sorry...
[12:08:43 AM] Legally 18!!: i asked qns
[12:08:44 AM] Ant|mArX: u, her, they, him..
[12:08:46 AM] Legally 18!!: reali
[12:08:50 AM] Legally 18!!: no pressure lah
[12:08:51 AM] Ant|mArX: fuck it
[12:08:58 AM] Ant|mArX: just leave the qn alone for now pls
[12:09:24 AM] Legally 18!!: IVE BEEN AVOIDING IT ALL THIS WHILE!!!!
[12:09:33 AM] Ant|mArX: then why now
[12:09:41 AM] Legally 18!!: now.. i jus want to settle it once n for
all
[12:09:44 AM] Ant|mArX: and u smsed me wrongly again just now
[12:09:52 AM] Legally 18!!: because its been 4 years
[12:09:53 AM] Ant|mArX: once and for all another time la ok?
[12:10:02 AM] Legally 18!!: no
[12:10:06 AM] Legally 18!!: its today
[12:10:09 AM] Legally 18!!: now
[12:10:13 AM] Legally 18!!: a yes or a no
[12:10:28 AM] Ant|mArX: u call that non pressure?
[12:10:29 AM] Ant|mArX: smart
[12:10:47 AM] Legally 18!!: i call that answering a simple question
[12:11:00 AM] Ant|mArX: its a simple qn alright
[12:11:07 AM] Ant|mArX: but look at what ur doing
[12:11:21 AM] Ant|mArX: u asking someone WHO TAKES U AS A FRIEND TO
WHETHER WANT TO CUT TIES OR NOT
[12:11:25 AM] Ant|mArX: u call that SIMPLE!?
[12:12:29 AM] Ant|mArX: i dun wanna make decisions out of
impulsiveness la ok
[12:12:31 AM] Ant|mArX: im not like u
[12:12:49 AM] Ant|mArX: i dont say "yes" out of impulsiveness cuz when
that happens, someone's bound get hurt
[12:13:09 AM] Ant|mArX: just like when u said "yes" when Naz told u
whether u want to be his friends gf or not 4yrs ago!
[12:14:35 AM] Legally 18!!: then wat u wan me to do? u know ive been
holding back doing "friendly" things with u like talk,
go out, be nice to each other etc etc becoz i dun wan
ppl to misunderstand wats going n get stupid ideas.. im
tired of being ur fren by title. if u hav to choose, im
sure u wont choose me.. so lets jus say it out loud once
n for all
[12:14:56 AM] Ant|mArX: bye then
[12:20:56 AM] Ant|mArX: anyway, just one final say.
[12:21:10 AM] * Legally 18!!!!!!! [il est mon ami.. il est mon
amour... ] is now Away (idle)
[12:21:21 AM] * Legally 18!!!!!!! [il est mon ami.. il est mon
amour... ] is now Online
[12:21:41 AM] Ant|mArX: i dun think u'd bother without me around. it
wun make any difference man. and besides, i dun think
uve ever felt anything more than an acquaintance does.
[12:21:59 AM] Ant|mArX: so just have a nice birthday ahead yeah...
[12:22:06 AM] Ant|mArX: be happy, its ur day.
[12:22:10 AM] Legally 18!!: because u nvr gave me a chance damn it!
[12:22:19 AM] Ant|mArX: i did.
[12:22:23 AM] Ant|mArX: u didnt take it.
[12:22:29 AM] Legally 18!!: ure just gonna blame it on me?
[12:22:35 AM] Legally 18!!: i dun tink so
[12:22:39 AM] Legally 18!!: wat?
[12:22:44 AM] Ant|mArX: im not blaming u..
[12:22:47 AM] Ant|mArX: alright.
[12:22:49 AM] Ant|mArX: its my fault.
[12:22:55 AM] Legally 18!!: yes
[12:23:03 AM] Ant|mArX: i didnt give u any chance
[12:23:12 AM] Ant|mArX: cuz probably i got sick of the way i was
treated.
[12:23:39 AM] Legally 18!!: are u saying tt i didn try?
[12:23:43 AM] Legally 18!!: hey
[12:23:53 AM] Legally 18!!: dun tell me i didn make e effort ok
[12:24:06 AM] Ant|mArX: u didnt.. not b4 u entered jc. nope. u didnt.
[12:24:19 AM] Legally 18!!: talib
[12:24:22 AM] Legally 18!!: ok
[12:24:29 AM] Legally 18!!: fine
[12:24:59 AM] Ant|mArX: i was pushed that far away. too much for me to
mend things.
[12:26:50 AM] * Ant|mArX has been blocked

so that's it. my entire episode. oh ya.. not yet.. i went to his blog again. here's wat i wrote.

ain: were u in a fit of anger or was
i? i guess tts it then. 4 yrs? or was it
5? nvm. doesn matter anymore.

ain: nina, ur a gd girl, ,n ur damn lucky.
dun need to get jealous. he's madly in
love with u.

and here's the reply i got. one which i did not ask for.

nina: jealous of who? you? puhleeze. you
can have him back if you want.

erm... no thanks.

haha... ok ok... so its been a sad ending to this soap opera. but it has ended. i took him off my handphone, msn, i took his linked off my blog. all tt's left to do now, is slowly erase those memories of him. yea. like eternal sunshine on the spotless mind.

ps: thanks to those ppl who wished me a happy birthday!!!!!! u know... as i grow older, i bagin to understand wat is meant by "it's the thought that counts". Coz there's nothing more special then e feeling u get when u know tt somewhere, somehow, ppl still remember u..

Posted by theblackazure @ 11:25:00 AM
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