its the one week break i've been desperately looking forward to.

started things with a bang by updating my pc. wow.

shoutout to the resident IT superhero, Mr Terrific Tzoolk. thnx for the help. terrific tkpe, jgn terrorist sudah. haks.

it seems like im gonna have something on everyday for the rest of the week, so i decided to take today off. i need it man. my head's been stuck in a rut lately.

bygones.

anw, was chatting with a new "fren" last night. apparently this guy thinks im fake. well, something to tt extent. he asked me if i was "my real self all the time". what an intrusive question.

i was appaled of course, at the thought tt someone could judge a person after just one meeting. i thought it was unfair for him to try and define me. it was insulting too coz, i mean, i dun want to easily fall into any categories, any stereotypes. and by trying to define me, he was doing just that.

but of course, me being me, i seeked deeper into what he reali meant. afterall, its not that often that ppl give a rats ass abt me.

he then said sthg to the extent of me putting a front, like i was trying to hide sthg.

i was reali confused lah. like, wat does he expect me to do? bare my soul at the first meeting?

i then reasoned with myself, thinking: well, maybe he was trying to say that im not voicing out everything in my head. tt somehow i'm restricting myself.

but the truth is, if i have to express every single thought that comes to my head honestly and without any form of discretion, 1) its going to be a long long long day.. and ur ears will bleed, 2) i will become agitated when ppl start interrupting me and not letting me finish and 3) many ppl will be unhappy or even hate me because, hey, im a blunt person. frank. yea, there's the politically correct word.

the truth is, im not a nice person. and i dun intend to be a nice person. i wanna be a good person. but tt has nothing to do with being nice.

budden ain, u ask, y dont u just tell it like it is since tts wat u want to do?

becoz, my frens, ppl get hurt. even the closest persons to u can n will get hurt by wat u say. i know this becoz i get hurt. i've been hurt a lot becoz when i am frank to ppl, ppl tend to be frank towards me. and the things they say hurts. and it hurts bcoz its the things i cant change, and its the things i love about myself.

tts the thing. sometimes u joke, u talk, u give comments and u forget tt u've hurt tt person. being frank requires a little bit of insensitivity. it creates hate. spite. it makes ppl fall out.

the world is not a giant bowl of ganache. all is not a bed of roses and butterflies. roses wilt, butterflies die. it is not an organic place. its plastic. everybody is being "nice" to everybody so tt no one gets hurt.

and that, might be the reason im so "fake".

or maybe its not.

maybe, there are just facets of me that u havent quite explored and havent quite discovered. wat? after one meeting, all is revealed? tts impossible. They didnt run out of things to say in Before Sunset, there had to be a sequel.

one talk, one meeting, cannot reveal everything no matter how long it is.

truth is, only i know the truth about myself. and even i get confused. so i cant see how u cud understand me in a matter of minutes.

but, in good spirits, tts y i started this blog anw... to put down the jillions of thoughts running thru my head, and for u (and me) to learn abt myself.

i dont blame him for posing tt question unto me, maybe i was fake-r than most ppl were, in that situation. but hey, wat do u do when u get stuck between a rock and a hard place.

tts the thing i hate abt meeting new ppl. im friendly, yes, but im anti-social. (but the friends i have, i keep dearly, close to my heart.)

i may seem easy to crack bcoz im an alleged extrovert, but it takes a while to get to know the real me. u may see me as the clown of the class, the serious person, the emotional weepy girl, the drama queen, the fake plastic, the condescending and opinionated one, the compassionate person, the shopaholic. and u're all right.

all these are dimensions of me, the things that make up the "real" me.

and this concept is not unique.

it applies to everyone.

the person who does not have all these facets and whose personality consists of only one dimension, now, tts a true fake.

im in a really insecure and vulnerable place right now, teetering on egg shells. maybe tts y i was taken aback by the question.

but tell me honestly, do i seem that fake to u?