yesterday i was angry.

i was reali reali angry. i haven't been angry in quite a while.

and it was not just pissed, it was flat out angry.

sometimes i think im schizophrenic. coz.. when im angry i turn into someone else. someone COMPLETELY different. trust me. if u are the person who made me angry, u wouldn want to see me or talk to me. u would, or at least, should, go run away into a corner and hide. which is what the person who made me angry did.

which makes him a coward.

if u made me angry (i mean angry, not just pissed) and u talk to me on the phone, or worse, come to me face to face, i will humiliate u. i will tell u all your weaknesses, especially the ones you know you possess. i am going to tear watever self-esteem u have and strip u bare. i am gonna rip ur ego off, chew it up and spit it out. i will tell u y ppl dont like u, wtv is wrong with u and y u're so fctup.

if u avoid me, u're a coward. so either way, i'll make sure tt u are wrong.

i know i have my own weaknesses and this is one. but i cant control myself when im angry, i really cant. honestly.

yesterday a few ppl who just happened to be in my unfortunate company experienced it. mildly. maybe just 20%. They were lucky because the person who is the root, THE CAUSE the anger wasnt there. becoz it wud have been very VERY ugly and ppl's perception of me would change forever. again, i beg u to trust me bcoz when im in the heat of anger i really dont care who you are, how long u've been a friend and what u will think of me after tt. of course, once my anger has subsided i will feel guilty ( mainly for using cusswords and humiliating ppl) but not in the heat of anger. wrath blinds me.

when i tink abt it, anger kills my pretense. when im angry i dont pretend to be nice, nor tolerant, nor wtv facade i put on. when im angry, the adrenalin makes my heart pump faster and the blood goes rushing to the head. and wtv opinions i have stored in my memory abt a particular person gets transmitted straight to my mouth. no filters, no rationale. just pure, uncensored thoughts.

last night, the girls told me i was scary. luckily, i did my maghrib and after tt the burn was more or less extinguished. u see, there are 3 things tt calm me down: prayers, food and/or a good cry. ya... i cry. just 2 years ago, i was the type who never cried in public. NEVER. but after that july 30th incident it all changed.

i realise im very weak these days. very lembik. soft. i used to be so cold. i forgave no one. but.. shit happens. my anger subsided after abt 2 hrs. it was a short fit, bt at least i said abt 30% of wat i wanted to say. later tt night i unloaded it to razil, who was totally stunned bcoz he's nvr heard me swear before. except for naaaabeh n baaaasket.. which i use when he tells me riddles n jokes with stupid answers..

bt reali.. frens who have no connection to any of it helps. coz u can explain the thing frm beginning to end the way u see it. of course there's the other side of the story bt who gives a rats' ass abt tt person. if u're too cowardly to tell me wat is wrong in the face, mano-a-mano, like a man, then dont complain. i want u to look me in the eye and demand the same thing u demanded from them. i wan u to use the same sarcasm u used with them. then i want to see u cry or storm off when i am done with u.

poor miss lalalarling. i just unloaded evrything on her. n i cussed a lot. im sorry girl. thnx for the listening ear. n to tink it started with "have u downloaded macromedia?". haha.

I tink ppl should stop living in the cavemen era and realise that men dont bring home the bacon anymore. maybe if u take ur head out of your own asshole, u'll see that we are not living under the Taliban regime. I will, one day, prove to u that the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world. I will prove it to u, coward.