past couple of days have been rather pleasant, cept for the freaking flu that i've ended up with since this morning. i've cleared my room and rid it of a LOT of stuff, and i've been rather smart about doing it. i dont try to take on the whole lot in one go, instead, i go about a specific section at a time. ive gotten rid of all my worksheets from secondary school years and sold it to the karung guni for $2. yes, all my knowledge sold for $2. i tink i can get a better deal by selling my soul to the devil. i've also identified stuff that i dont use/wear anymore, giving away some and thinking of selling away some. we'll see how it goes..

the better part of my time was spent shopping with the parents. i really really wanted to buy a wallet but til now, cant find something i like. well, i guess i'll just raincheck that pursuit til after the wedding coz i tink im gonna spend a lot for it. im buying my own clothes for the wedding, an indian gagra and probably a kebaya. tts gonna set me back a few hundred smackeroos. also getting some "surprise" gifts and such for the wedding.. which will also set me back couple of 00s. but, its ok lah. my brother is getting married mah. so its more important that i starve and hold back a little on shopping (which is so blardy hard to do) and contribute in making it the happiest, most awesome day for them. =]

also, havent quite started on driving lessons, which i should have by now.. hee2.. tt one will definitely put a big dent on my wallet. and u know me.. im the type who really panics when my savings fall below my comfort zone.. so.. i reali dunno how im gonna cope. which is why lately i prefer to stay at home and watch tv because i reali feel bad when i go out and spend money. i really dunno how ppl can just spend3 and not care.. i feel so stressed. and yes, if u tink i fret too much abt finances, u're right, i do. i tink its innate..

i wanna suggest something to my dad but im a little scared of wat he'll think/say. i want to suggest selling my bracelet, which i've never worn before ever EVER because (a) i am scared of losing expensive jewelry and (b) i'm not really into wearing gold stuff anyways. the price of gold is like damn high nowanyway, so.. i want to suggest to him that we go sell the stuff then split the money, he take half i take half. that bracelet would not be missed.. its like in my cupboard, in a corner, still in the box where i dont see it. its basically something that i know is there but cant be bothered to look at, much less wear. but i dunno wat my dad will think of it.. im just scared that he'll be hurt or wat coz he thinks i dont appreciate it.. but its not tt.. i reali appreciate the other gifts, especially my mont blanc, which i also never use before.. haha. but, its something tt i see myself using in a couple of years. tt bracelet, on the other hand, is reali something i wouldn miss. sigh. how? how?

and then there's my mother who's another problem.. if she finds out tt i suggest this she'll be like "u so stupid to suggest such a thing to ur father".. but ah.. my parents reali think tt its easy for me to support myself u knoe. and the thing is, its not.. i've held back on a lot of things i want so i can make my parents happy first. tts very important to me. i try to contribute to my mum's marketing by paying for the groceries whenever we shop and topping up her ezlink card (yes.. im the child who gives transport money to the mother) altho i must say i still dont think its enough. sometimes i splurge on them, take them out to nice lunches and dinners and the likes. but like i said, still feel like i should give them so much more.

in sum, im just reali worried for myself. im worried abt draining my bank accounts. im worried abt my grades.. abt my fyp.. abt the wedding.. and i tink its taking a toll on my relationships with ppl because when i worry, i tend to suck it inwards and become more introverted. my mind just keeps working, adding and subtracting the figures and thinking how i can tighten up my spending. im also worried abt my green vein under my right eye which is becoming more and more obvious. i dont have the capacity to spend money on a good, effective eye serum, nor can i spend on Bobbi Brown concealer(christmas/new year gift anyone?). i get all quesy thinking abt the bank books dropping from 4 figures to 3 figures.. all tt i've worked so hard for gone! and what abt that garment steamer tt i've been eyeing for like.. half a year? i wont be getting that either.. not at least til march next year.. and tt is, if i pass the driving practical the first time. if not, then die, need to spend more money. and if i dun save enough money now, how will i be able to afford my own HDB flat by the age of 24? and if i cant buy a flat, i cant rent it out and i cant earn the passive income that i need to buy the condo beside vivocity.. and if i cant buy the condo then my dad cannot watch the sun setting over labrador park.. and my dreams of owning a prime property in a central location whose value will only rise in years to come will be smashed to smittherins.

oh god. i feel nauseated. i am such a loser.