it bugs me.

the only time i reali feel the need to blog, honestly, is when i feel lousy, or angry or just generally upset. despite all the lovely things that has happened to me in the past month or so, this is the time when i choose to write. when im in this pissy, lousy, foul mood.

perhaps its cathartic.

yea. there's that.

perhaps i write when im in this condition coz its the onli time i dun talk. and the thoughts that are running thru my mind.. the god awful thoughts. perhaps i write coz i cant open my mouth. when im upset and i open my mouth, tears flow out, like they are somehow connected in a weird way.

its stupid. i guess i didnt do enough crying when i was younger.

things happened and a small thought was conceived in my head. i brought it up. "we should take a break. i need a break from you." "how could you do this to me? why are u so selfish? how could you hurt me like this?"

this is who i am. confident, assertive, cold, friendly, coy, on the verge of a flirt, or a slut (i am aware of wat u all think of me), demanding. but i am soft hearted. and i hate it. because i want to be cold, indifferent, selfish.

second time. the thought grew bigger. "we have to work things out. we have to be open minded. this is not working. we should consider other options. other people." "are you mad? how could you say that? you are talking nonsense. you are mine. i'll fight for you."

im not yours. i dont wish to be. you think you love me but all you want is for me to love you. if you love me.. well, i wont tell you wat to do.

the thought, now like a tumour, vehemently threatens to take over my mind. its threatens to take over me. i try to shove it to the back. back of my mind.

"we communicate. we miscommunicate. you misunderstand me. always." "its always my fault. im always wrong. im lost without u. dont do this to me"

and the final blow.

"now i know why people always think you're cold"


thank you. for clearing that up.

i am cold.
but i am not fake.

i am nice.
but i dont pretend to be nice just so ppl will like me.

i know exactly what i want.
but i am not demanding. i will get it myself if i have to.

i am not high maintainence.
and u know it.

i know more about god and religion than u think i do.
but i dont show it to appear holy or good.

i am soft hearted.
this is an observation from ppl who know me well.
i've never thought that i am.

i have a lot of love in my heart.
though it may not be obvious.

i am not smart.
i just happen to be a fast learner.
and.. u're not stupid.


as long as i am with you, i hold myself back from getting to know others. because i know you trust me. and because i dont ever want u to not trust me.

i am selfish.

let me be selfish, please.

turn your back and leave me. angels will come after your seventh step. and i shall be judged.



ps. as it is policy, the contents of this blog shall not be discussed outside the confines of the 4 walls of this webpage. please respect my wishes.