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Sunday, February 26


today seems to be an angry day. macam.. takde love in the world gitu.

im so sedih-ed.

i feel like curling up into a ball and die.

i feel like wallowing in self pity.

asal dengan dunia ni?

ape telah jadi dgn perasaan sayang?


*enters a zen state of mind*

wax on...

wax off...


whoa.

just got news tt my fren is getting engaged.

she's 21 btw.

she'll nvr come across this blog so yeah..

WHOA..

talk abt no love in the world.

21 seh. geez. i'll be turning 21 next year.. and i dont even have a boyfriend.

geez.


hari ni macam serba tak kena.

pagi tadi, nyaris2 kena langgar bas.

tu lah, melintas jalan raya sambil berkhayal.

seriously, something's off.


tadi chat dengan dia.

ah. confirm ah. i'm over him man.

im over him.

maybe tu yang buat dunia ni macam serba tak kena.

my mum was standing behind me while i was chatting wif him. she saw his pic i tink.

nasib dia tak tanye.. "sape tu?"

kalau tak, macam mane nak jawab?

seriously, mum's invading my privacy and i hate it ah. basically, she has no rights over my privacy. im turning 21 for god's sake.

geez.

i tink i need to get that monitor screen blocking thingie.


oh ya.
gaji aku belum masok da. nampaknye my payroll's not rolling.





*sigh*

besok dah start skolah.



my work? tak luak2 pun beb.


asal ni?

chat dgn detu pun.. mcm mendak gitu. u know when u like someone u pay attention to wtv they're saying and u rmb evry single detail abt them. and then it turns out tt they dont take half the effort u take to know things abt u.

perasaan yang dialami eh.. macam kena tembak seh.


asal ni?

sejak bila aku blog cam minah?

why?


Why Does It Always Rain On Me? -Travis

I can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning

I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by an invisible man
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else

Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold


i love this song. teringat dat time when i had to keep him a secret. i was 17. gosh. life was great then. why can't things be the same?

i shud stop this melancholy.

ape ni beb? tak rock ah.


Posted by theblackazure @ 5:28:00 PM
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Thursday, February 23


i hate those ppl.

u know the ones who are "smart" but are really actuali very stupid.

whoa. bad english.

anw, wat i mean by "smart" is academically smart, book smart and all dat.

but reali reali reali reali reali stupid.

and very very very very shallow.

i hate them.

they shud b culled.

and they shud stop blogging.

coz their thoughts and ideologies are pure and utter CRAP.

like, SHUT UP!!!!!


Posted by theblackazure @ 12:45:00 AM
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Sunday, February 19


its the one week break i've been desperately looking forward to.

started things with a bang by updating my pc. wow.

shoutout to the resident IT superhero, Mr Terrific Tzoolk. thnx for the help. terrific tkpe, jgn terrorist sudah. haks.

it seems like im gonna have something on everyday for the rest of the week, so i decided to take today off. i need it man. my head's been stuck in a rut lately.

bygones.

anw, was chatting with a new "fren" last night. apparently this guy thinks im fake. well, something to tt extent. he asked me if i was "my real self all the time". what an intrusive question.

i was appaled of course, at the thought tt someone could judge a person after just one meeting. i thought it was unfair for him to try and define me. it was insulting too coz, i mean, i dun want to easily fall into any categories, any stereotypes. and by trying to define me, he was doing just that.

but of course, me being me, i seeked deeper into what he reali meant. afterall, its not that often that ppl give a rats ass abt me.

he then said sthg to the extent of me putting a front, like i was trying to hide sthg.

i was reali confused lah. like, wat does he expect me to do? bare my soul at the first meeting?

i then reasoned with myself, thinking: well, maybe he was trying to say that im not voicing out everything in my head. tt somehow i'm restricting myself.

but the truth is, if i have to express every single thought that comes to my head honestly and without any form of discretion, 1) its going to be a long long long day.. and ur ears will bleed, 2) i will become agitated when ppl start interrupting me and not letting me finish and 3) many ppl will be unhappy or even hate me because, hey, im a blunt person. frank. yea, there's the politically correct word.

the truth is, im not a nice person. and i dun intend to be a nice person. i wanna be a good person. but tt has nothing to do with being nice.

budden ain, u ask, y dont u just tell it like it is since tts wat u want to do?

becoz, my frens, ppl get hurt. even the closest persons to u can n will get hurt by wat u say. i know this becoz i get hurt. i've been hurt a lot becoz when i am frank to ppl, ppl tend to be frank towards me. and the things they say hurts. and it hurts bcoz its the things i cant change, and its the things i love about myself.

tts the thing. sometimes u joke, u talk, u give comments and u forget tt u've hurt tt person. being frank requires a little bit of insensitivity. it creates hate. spite. it makes ppl fall out.

the world is not a giant bowl of ganache. all is not a bed of roses and butterflies. roses wilt, butterflies die. it is not an organic place. its plastic. everybody is being "nice" to everybody so tt no one gets hurt.

and that, might be the reason im so "fake".

or maybe its not.

maybe, there are just facets of me that u havent quite explored and havent quite discovered. wat? after one meeting, all is revealed? tts impossible. They didnt run out of things to say in Before Sunset, there had to be a sequel.

one talk, one meeting, cannot reveal everything no matter how long it is.

truth is, only i know the truth about myself. and even i get confused. so i cant see how u cud understand me in a matter of minutes.

but, in good spirits, tts y i started this blog anw... to put down the jillions of thoughts running thru my head, and for u (and me) to learn abt myself.

i dont blame him for posing tt question unto me, maybe i was fake-r than most ppl were, in that situation. but hey, wat do u do when u get stuck between a rock and a hard place.

tts the thing i hate abt meeting new ppl. im friendly, yes, but im anti-social. (but the friends i have, i keep dearly, close to my heart.)

i may seem easy to crack bcoz im an alleged extrovert, but it takes a while to get to know the real me. u may see me as the clown of the class, the serious person, the emotional weepy girl, the drama queen, the fake plastic, the condescending and opinionated one, the compassionate person, the shopaholic. and u're all right.

all these are dimensions of me, the things that make up the "real" me.

and this concept is not unique.

it applies to everyone.

the person who does not have all these facets and whose personality consists of only one dimension, now, tts a true fake.

im in a really insecure and vulnerable place right now, teetering on egg shells. maybe tts y i was taken aback by the question.

but tell me honestly, do i seem that fake to u?


Posted by theblackazure @ 10:38:00 PM
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Thursday, February 9


im blogging from school. waiting to have lunch with the rakan-rakan(peng yous).

there's like.. 15 ppl here in it lab 3. and guess wat? only one is a guy. omg. he just left. haha. so now there's abt 14 of us all girls.

and remember.. ppl here in the S4 block are mostly from accounting or business. so, effectively, what i'm trying to say is... one day, the entire white collar industry might be ruled by women!

YEAH! GIRL POWER!!

but seriously tho.. there are like SO many more girls than guys in business and accounting. I wonder what the actual demographic break down is.

hmmmmmm...

ANYHOO, i'd like to continue with part deux of my 4 part miniseries. i love tt word. deux. sounds like d'uh. hoho.

We're going to talk about issues regarding RELIGION today.

all the way up on the ooh so touchy touchy scale, religion gets a 5 out of the maximum possible score of 5.

*hold on to your hats*

alrity. so i guess the biggest issue we've had regarding religion recently is the CARTOON thingie. but generally speaking, these few years, the spotlight has been shining down (hard) on Islam.

I tink i speak for a lot(if not all) of my muslim friends when i say that having a spotlight on you at all times is not exactly fun. especially for shy ppl like me. HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH.
for me, the toughest thing is explaining to friends of other beliefs that not all muslims are terrorists and not all muslims are extremists.

in fact, there is a lot of flexibility in islam.

for a start, there are 4 school of thoughts in the religion. these 4 schools are used by the 4 different "zones" in the world. think of the world as a muffin. and think of ppl as the chocolate chips that are mixed into the muffin. then, let god(if u believe in god) cut the muffin into 4 pieces. next, god nominates 4 special ppl, each to be in charge of one piece of muffin. these special ppl are called "imam"s or leaders, and they are the ones who come up with the rules that govern the chocolate chips.

of course the rules that these imams come up with must be in line with god's guidelines, rules and regulations. as such, there is usuali only small discrepancies btw different school of thoughts.
Besides the 4 school of thoughts, there is also things like the 7 ways or slangs(qiraats) to read the Quran. and then there is the "makroh" ruling, where sthg u do is not sin, but doesnt earn u brownie points either.

there are many many more ways to show the religion's flexibility, and i've just scratched the surface. of course im not an expert, and i cant even claim to be a good muslim. but of course, one day, i hope to be.

so ain, u ask, if islam permits so much flexibility, then why are the muslims so worked up over the CARTOON issue?

OK.

the thing is, we, as muslims, have been thought never to depict the "pictures" of our prophet Muhammad or of god because we believe that They are the most divine of the divine and there is no "humanly" form or expression that can truely represent Them. we are thought not to associate them with a face, and to only carry them in our hearts and in our faith(iman).
so of course we muslims got pissed when they actually had the cheek to represent what we believe is god's divine messenger as a man in a turban with a bomb on His head.

U can liken this episode to the one years ago when Sinead O'Connor tore the pope's picture on live television.

That incurred the wrath of many Catholics worldwide.

But of course.

Why should such INSENSITIVITY be tolerated?

i mean, if ppl call u ugly to ur face, u'd be pissed too rite? wat more, these kinds of action attacks ur faith- something that lives in your very core.

Budden, on the flip side, of course there are some muslims who dun reali know wats going and make a BIG hoopla out of things. wat good will a protest outside the Danish embassy bring?
Does that manner of handling things make ppl respect the ppl of the faith, what more the religion?

I THINK NOT.

but of course these ppl are not reading this blog. and even if they are reading, they'd think im too liberal minded, yadayadayada.

to these ppl i say,

EAT SHIT.

now, there's a respectable way of handling ppl.

hoho.

and now ain has to go eat.

AU REVOIR. and think about it!


Posted by theblackazure @ 11:32:00 AM
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Saturday, February 4


ok.

For the longest time i've refused (the temptation) to write on matters concerning religion, race, nationality or skin colour (saying tt my mum is fair is not counted).

these 4 subjects are ohhhh so touchy touchy to me. even more so than sexual preferences (by that i mean straight, bent, wispy, or gay).

ANYhoo, today, against my better judgement, im gonna let my guard down and express my opinions abt certain issues that have been hot on evryone's lips these past few months.

think of this as a 4 part miniseries. a journey of discovery. (yes i watch too much tv)

But before i do anything, i'd like to emphasize that wtv im going to say is based on my very utmost humble opinion. Therefore, i urge u, fellow gracious netizens, to be objective in hearing my point of view before u start to diss me(and then some)..

*deep breath before the plunge*

here goes nothing..

First order of business,

RACE.

i read an article in yesterday's paper regarding racial harmony here in this tiny green dot. yea. racial HARMONY. not just racial TOLERANCE.

i tink there's a big difference between the 2. racial harmony implies a sense of one-ness; where ppl understand each other and use that understanding to forge closer relationships. when i think of harmony, i think of amalgamation. Its like swirling the 3 primary colours together (in this case 4, if u catch my drift) til finally, all u see is pure white. damn. i give KILLA metaphors.

On the other hand, racial tolerance is when u live next to each other just because of the HDB quota and you have no idea why your indian neighbour rings a bell every morning/evening, why your chinese neighbour has to burn joss sticks, why ur malay neighbour tries to stay clear of your dog and why ur eurasian neighbour cant stop karaoke-ing. (haha. tt last one was a joke. kindly laugh. thank you.)

Tolerance is fine.. but its pointless. and in the long run, its gonna hurt you and me coz we would have not understood each other in the most primal sense.

anyway, the article that i read wasnt reali abt racial harmony.. rather, it was about the lack of it. the writer asserted that ppl of our generation ( the Gen Y-ers) are not as harmonious as their generation (Gen Xers). She claimed that because of the kampong environment they grew up in, where all the kids, regardless of race played together, Gen Xers better understand the racial harmony thing.

well.. uhum.. i beg to differ.

all my life, i've had close friends who are not malay/muslims. in primary school, there was this cute chubby guy, mr eric chiam kai xiong, whom i always did projects with. sometimes, i would even go to his house to do our projects. i still remember.. he has a younger brother who was as restless as sun wu gong, and a mentally challenged older sister.. who was so happy everytime i came. he had a silly crush on me.. i still keep the bookmark he gave me on my 12th birthday.

and then of course there was my so-called god brudder, mr kelvin ng, who did most of my art projects for me (ain never was and never will be an artist). of course, in turn, i helped him with his work.. and gave him all the slack prefectorial duties during recess (ehem ehem.. ain was a head prefect.. HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH...). i still remember how he used to call me everyday to ask what homework there was. those were the days...

Moving on to secondary school.. many names. and these are my close friends only. there was, si qi, janet, nicole(the.. uhum.. "nice" eurasian girl.. *evil grin*), meera(many gd memories with) and then there was the brudders, zhi yang and weihan.. whom we shared bgr problems with (hohoho. those were the days).

in jc, there was miss joyce lee, miss veena nair, mr jay, meli & minli (of malay dance) and lots and lots of hunky hunky indian guys. especially Mr K of course. ooooh.... HOTNESS. (i heard he's serving in the air force now).

and of course, now in uni, my closest confidante, the minah herself, miss inez "thetaitai" xun yi. budden i knew her since sec 1 lah. FLOWERPECKER PATROL \/ (~,~) \/YEAH! (ain was a girl guide in secondary school... HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH). oh ya. now that im in uni, i also get to meet ppl from other countries like Yue Nan ren, Yinni ren.. etc.

So... after telling the story of my life... u ask..

WAT IS THE FREAKIN POINT?!!

hee2.

my point is, altho i didnt grow up in a kampong, i am still smack in the middle of a cosmopolitan society. there is no way i could turn right or left without bumping into someone of another race. and im happy for that. i cant begin to imagine wat life would be like if everyone around me was of the same creed. i'd probably be xenophobic (like my neighbours in malaysia). i am thankful and happy that i get to learn so much about ppl of other races and culture and i actuali make the effort to assimilate myself into the society.

so i guess wat im trying to say is, as a Gen Yer, i totally disagree that we are any less racially harmonious compared to the Gen Xers. but tt does not mean im not an age-ist. u old fogeys. HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH.

last but not least, i'd like to wish all my chinese friends a belated HAPPY NEW YEAR! GONG XI FA CAI! KONG HEY FATT CHOY! KIONG HEE HUAT TZAI! CUNG HI PHAT TAI! and to all my muslim friends, selamat menyambut dzikril hijrah!


Posted by theblackazure @ 10:16:00 AM
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Thursday, February 2


Le imminent crashing de mon computer has lead moi to blog from school. Je patience is thinning avec le pc. Mais, what can je do.

Anyway, j'aimerais tout le monde dire que je suis bien et merci for showing tu concern.

Wo wu liao. Cai xue xiao mei you tong si chuo.

Haiya. Suan le. Wo yao chi che fan liao.

Kata2 akhir dariku....

~Let's kick it olde skool!~

I will survive

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along

So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f=)ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die

Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high

And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my live to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

yeah.


Posted by theblackazure @ 11:13:00 AM
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